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Saturday, September 24, 2011

Loss and sadness

As I sit here, I am trying my best to find the words that express loss and sadness. My Nana, Helen Louise Shelnut, departed this world to join God in heaven at 2:20am 11/11/1935-9/24/2011. My mom called to tell me that she was gone. I have been trying to prepare myself mentally for this without much success. A week isn't enough time for me to prepare myself. When my Granny Chestnut passed a few years back I had months to prepare, but months or weeks still doesn't take the pain away. I feel like there is a great big hole in my heart. There is a big chunk of my life that is now empty.

I am trying to be strong for my boys, because they just don't understand why mommy is crying and so sad. I tried to explain that Nana has gone to be with God in heaven and she can walk now. My Nana has been wheel-chair bound for a very long time. The great-grandchildren loved riding around in her chair with her. She only had 20! They all thought it was just so much fun to drive Nana's chair. She loved us all equally, all 5 children and spouses, all 13 grandchildren and spouses, and all 20 great-grandchildren. As you can imagine we have a very large family reunion. That doesn't even include all the cousins on my Nana's side that would come.

How do you explain to someone your pain? How do you explain your empty feeling? You can't to another person. Everyone is different and deals with loss and sadness in their own way. You think I explained to my 5yr old ok? I think I tried my best without scaring him and trying to make him understand that Nana is at peace now.

A lot of my sadness comes from that I can't get out there. I couldn't go and say good-bye to her before she was gone. My family knows that if I could I would be there. My sisters tried their very best to get me out there, but were unsuccessful in their en devour. I will be forever grateful for their efforts.

To all my family and friends thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers for our family in our hour of need. and on that very sad note

that is all...

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Nana

My Nana hasn't been great this past week. I haven't been writing about it because I have been so upset. As I am writing now tears are streaming down my face. I'll start with the weekend before last (all information I have received through family, this is all taking place in Atlanta):

My Grandfather called my Uncle and told him to come and take her to the hospital because she wasn't keeping anything down and just wasn't doing well. He called the ambulance to come and get her to take her in. Come to find out she had a C-def infection that was VERY contagious. She seemed to be getting better throughout the week. Come Friday she started to go into renal failure and organ failure. They did emergency surgery to remove part of her toxic colon. She was on the vent through Monday morning. She seemed to be improving over the weekend. She has had her ups and downs all week long. Yesterday her left lower lobe of her lung collapsed and we almost lost her. They were able to insert a tube to help re-inflate her lung. She was able to rest last night being stable. Today I called my mother on my way to school because I wanted to know how she was doing overnight. She has now become unresponsive and been placed back on the vent. I am unsure if they are going to be able to remover her stomach stimulater tomorrow in surgery like they had planned to do. They have also have been unable to place in a feeding tube because it is too close to her wound where they did surgery. They were able to get some nourishment through her tube in her nose.

I have had a gut wrenching feeling for days that I can not seem to shake off. I don't want her to be in pain or suffering, at the same time I don't want to lose her. I have many fond memories of my Nana growing up. Every summer I would go to her house and spend time with them. One summer was with my cousin Erica, I remember going and picking fresh peaches from trees of some friends. I remember when my second-cousin Brooklyn was staying with them and I will forever HATE Barney because she made us watch it and listen to it ALL the time! I remember family Christmas's when we would all be there and practically sleeping on top of each other because there were so many of us! I have 4 sets of uncles/aunts, 11 first cousins, and 18 second cousins. My mother is the oldest of 5, Donna, Danny, David, Renee, and Darrell. There are so many good times to remember and never forget. I am not trying to be morbid, I am just trying to find a way to deal with her condition.

I just wish I could be there with her and tell her I love her so much. I have this sense of helplessness because I am so far away. I may call tomorrow and see if they can hold the phone to her ear and let me tell her even if she can't respond to me. It may give us both some peace.

with that I will call it a night and say...

that is all...

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

First Test

Today was my first test for the semester. I think I did pretty well. Well actually, I think I ACED IT!!! WOOT!! I studied my ass off for it, doing the chapter exercises like crazy. It was really redundant but it helped a ton! The book came with an online study tool that I am SUPER glad I used to help with the spelling part. She gives ZERO credit for misspelled words. It is Medical Terminology after all, and insurance companies I guess won't take it if it is spelled wrong! I think I misspelled the 2pt bonus question though. DANG IT! I flew through the test. I always worry when I go to fast and am one of the first ones done. I went back and checked my answers to make sure I marked them all in the right things on my scantron.

I didn't have to change any answers. She is going out of town this weekend and hopes to have the grades up by Saturday morning at the latest. Well at least that is what she says, we shall see. Now that I know how she tests I will be really prepared for the rest of the tests this semester. Which from now on I have at least 1-2 tests EVERY SINGLE WEEK till the week of finals.. joy to the world!

Now my Health Care Delivery systems class, I have a test in there on Thursday and I am uneasy about that class right now. They way he teaches is odd and can be confusing at times. He sent out a review for the test, it was a BUNCH of short answer definitions and computations to work out for practice. Like Inpatient Census, Daily Inpatient Census, Average IP Census, which by the way are ALL different. You use different information, some you use one thing and the other you add or subtract something.... Oy..

After getting the boys, which I miss so much while I am gone. I came home and of course Noah wanted to watch Tangled for the 1000th time in the past 3 weeks! But hey he did well at school today and came home with 5stars! I am so proud of my boy, only one day this school year so far he has only come home with 3 stars. The problem was addressed with his teacher over the phone and nipped in the butt to avoid future issues. Gabriel, such a stinker! For an almost 2yr old he is very well behaved, of course he does have his moments (who doesn't). Like when I don't give in and give him everything under the sun to devour like a human garbage disposal that he is. He has tried to smack me in the face, I have been trying to teach him that is a no-no we don not hit mommy. That it is very ugly to do that to me. It is too hard to stay mad at him long. He flashes you that million dollar smile that uses every single muscle in his face, at you and all you can do is smile back.

with only mintues to go till midnight and my pain pill kicking in that makes me not want to rip out my entire backside and sleep...
that is all...

Saturday, September 17, 2011

30, flirty, and thriving!

My 30th birthday.....

Yes I was totally dreading it, just ask anyone that follows me on twitter! I am sure I was about to drive them all nuts with my whining. My poor friends at school were probably tired of my whining as well. I was going on and on with "omg I am turning 30, and I am not in my 20s anymore" blah blah blah blah
Everyone was being so nice in putting up with my crap. About a week before my friend B said she was going to take me out! When we were chatting about going I showed her my new jeans to get her opinion about them. I had gotten a pair of skinny jeans. They are super fitted and she helped me feel better about buying them. I was unsure that I was young enough to pull them off. But with a loser fitting top I felt better wearing them. So armed with my birthday outfit I was ready for my day! Went drop off the boys, Noah at my neighbors (he goes to her house for car pool on Tuesdays), dropped off Gabriel at the day care, then off to school for the morning. Several of my classmates wished me a wonderful birthday. My step dad actually beat my mom, she is usually the first one to call me. He only beat her because he woke up first! Came home did (ugh) homework, picked the boys up and waited for Mike to come home. He came home with a cake, card, and Trueblood Season 3 SQUEEEE!!!!

We ended up on having a super late dinner, I had PTO and she had a volunteer thing to go to at 6:30 for the both of us. She goes to a shelter and helps with the animals with her daughter, that is so neat! Before we went to dinner I had tweeted Dale Murphy (only my 2nd favorite baseball player EVER!) to ask him if he would tweet me a happy birthday because it would be just perfect to end my day with. Well my sister L she saw that and tweeted him too asking him to tweet her lil sis a happy big 3-0 birthday. While at dinner I was checking the time and saw it was L, she told me to check my twitter feed.... O M G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO FREAKING WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Totally made my day!! Sorry so side note on that, we had a great time at dinner. She let me cry a little, laugh a lot, and just be me. Not mommy, not wife, not retail worker, not student, not housewife, not maid, not taxi driver, just me. 30 year old me. It was really nice to get a break from all those hats, even if it was for only like 2 hours. A little bit of drinking was ensued of course! We had an apple martini and then when dinner came pom margaritas. Those ritas were A-MAZING! I also remembered while we were there that I don't drink much anymore and yup I was very buzzed.

This last video was taken right before the boys got ready for bed. Its just too cute not to share, it was a great birthday present to get even if it wasn't meant to be one. Noah was goofing around with a pack of tissues and Gabriel just thought it was too funny. Right before I started filming it he was laughing so hard that he grabbed his stomach and fell to the ground! Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.


and with those final giggles of delight, that is all...

Friday, September 16, 2011

Sleep-overs make me remember the good ol days

So after my bff's (we will call her B) daughter's (we will call her E) birthday party Noah wanted to go and spend the night with her one weekend. So the next Saturday we went out to their place to spend the afternoon and I left Noah to stay the night and come home after they go to church. We had a great time hanging out and having adult converstations. Which are few and far between in my world other than when I am at school and most of the time they are about class! The next weekend my niece that is 6 weeks younger than Noah came to spend the night. Now this weekend E is spending the night tonight. My bff ref's in Mansfield on the weekends and she stays with her mom instead of driving all the way back out to her house which is an hour away. I told her I would be glad to have E stay sometime with us since Noah and E get along so great and are so close in age.
I met B when Mike and her hubby worked together when we were both preggers. Her hubby was the SM and Mike was the ASM. I was working for BBW at the time and she came to see me once and that is how we met. There was a launch party that we hung out at one night and that is where the friendship evolved. We chatted on the phone and after our kiddos were born 6 weeks apart (E was first) we would hang out and watch Smallville and have play dates at my house. There was this one night we went to Dallas when the kids were about 4 months old to a club. That was the last time we went out as adults and no kids! Oh man what a night, we still talk about that night. (I am sooooooooo not going to details lol. Get your mind out of the gutter nothing bad happened)
After we moved around a lot with the Army we lost touch a bit but have gotten closer again. I am so thankful for her, she is an awesome friend to me. Lets me cry on my 30th birthday when she is kind enough to let me get a bit tipsy on her dime. (It was only 2 drinks lol) She lets me vent to her when I have had a bad day. She has helped me when I am in a jam for a babysitter. I love her like a sister.
Thank you B for being such a great friend to me over the past 6 years. You truely are a great friend and you better stay that way! and on that note...
that is all...